YES!!

I posted this saying awhile ago.  It's as true today as it was then...  Still taking the steps.  


Healing and recovering from losing everything, it's a process.  

Woman2Woman wall photos

Moving on, for me, is about accepting where I'm at.  That is not always a good thing, in some ways it is and in some ways I hate where I'm at.  I'm starting over - completely.  So I need to accept I have a past, wash the dirt of my hands, trust that there is a purpose to everything; hold my head high and walk forward.  


The most important thing for me is faith in God.  If I didn't have that foundation of faith it would be so easy to become consumed with bitterness and anger.  But, I have seen Gods work in my life and I have seen him work in others when they allow his love and spirit to move within them.  I believe in Gods word, that he has great and beautiful things planned for me in this life.  I also have a purpose here and it's through the fulfillment of that purpose that I will experience the happiness of my inheritance.  


I have strayed from the path and that's ok - God has planned for that and it's up to me to take the lessons from that experience and continue on with my purpose.  Forgive myself, trust myself and move forward.  

Just Sayin'...

Unconditional Love FB Wall Photos

Trust it...

Add caption

This is amazingly true.  So many times we sit in sorrow and self pity when things are so bad we can't see to the other side.  Instead of knowing this is part of how we grow.  


I can't believe it's been 2 years since I left my marriage.  It was the hardest thing I have EVER done!  I didn't think I would be able to do it.  Here I am, 2 years later, sitting in Starbucks reflecting on my journey.  


It's by no means been easy, I still struggle.  My ex is not paying support, he is in a deep, deep depression - not working.  He is struggling with his alcohol addiction and cannot see the light through the trees.  


I must keep going.  I have a son to raise, I'm Mom and Dad right now.  I have to stay in a strict budget.  I thank God I HAVE a budget to stick to!  It could be NO money!!  Praise God is what I say, I have some money left after bills.  


I choose to see this as my finest moment.  Although sometimes I feel stuck and I feel like I have no direction, I keep going - Forward.  Just keep moving! It may not seem like it now, at this moment, but There is a purpose, there is a reason.  


Trust it, Trust HIM!

Just Sayin'....

Saying photos, Facebook

I BELIEVE

From Unconditional Love Wall photos FB

I just wanted to post a prayer and praise God for his work in my life!  


I look around me and I don't have much but, I have enough.  It's not great right now but, we are ok.  


I have Love, I have God and I have family!!  I feel so blessed by God.  Some little part of my heart (God speaking to my 'feelings,' as the little boy said) is telling me things will be better someday! 


 This is a part of my journey that is tough.  I must have had some lessons to learn, I am 'becoming' who I'm supposed to be and that only happens through tough, dark, difficult times; that's when we grow, that's when we become who we are at the core.  


Thank you Jesus for taking care of me and Jake.  We are ok.  We are growing.  We will become who God needs us to be!  


My heart smiles at the wings I am growing to fly into my future!  


Heavenly Father give me the direction in which to fly! 


TR

From Brave Girls photos

I've needed to hear this lately.  Faith is my cornerstone to my days.  I pray and I thank God for the blessings he has given me and I try my hardest not to take them for granted because once I do they will be gone.  

I have a beautiful place God hand picked for me and Jake to live and heal in.  I'm looking out my window now, over the park at the trees and I feel the blessing.  I have some extra money in the bank my Dad helped me with.  My bills are gettint paid but I must learn a strict budget - another lesson in this journey.  

Right now I think my job is to heal, learn as many lessons as I can and to find my direction.  
I feel God has many wonderful things planned for my life.  Patients is hard, finding my solid direction is hard.  SOMETIMES being alone is hard.  I want to turn to someone for support with Jake or with a problem I'm having and no one is there.  

I will move forward knowing God is providing for me and I will have what is needed to keep me going.  I will find my direction, it's there but I have healing and lessons to get through first.

As my sister says; ''Things WILL get better!''

F. E. A. R.

False Evidence Appearing Real

So many things to fear...  


I'm trying to keep it real and present but, at times, I'm reminded of my deepest fears and it takes awhile to regroup, and move forward in faith.


Some of my deepest fears:  

• Being alone for the rest of my life
• Inability to provide for myself and my son
• Having to move into a place that I feel is unsafe in because I cannot afford a decent place to live.
• 'Settling' for someone.

FAITH - I MUST have faith that God is in control.  He has always provided for me and I know he is providing for me now.  


My son and I are safe and happy and things will work out.  


When it's time I will find who is waiting for me.  I must believe this and pray for it and know that it is what will be!  I don't believe God would put this desire in my heart unless he were preparing me for what is to come.


 ~ TR

Honesty...

Author unk.  Taken off of facebook wallphotos

Someday...

From Unconditional Love Facebook wall photos

''I can hardly wait for tomorrow, it means a new life for me everyday''

Sometimes I take the time to look around me, really look, and feel - feel what is.  Lately, there have been some challenges in my life but, amidst those challenges, I have felt peace. I have felt happiness.  

After reflecting, I believe it's because I have felt so much pain, stress and heartbreak in the past with my husband and with circumstances in my life; that, where I'm at right now, is bliss.   

Everyday I get stronger, everyday I become more who I'm meant to be.  It took a long time for the layers of stress and walls I had built around me to come down so I could just begin to recognize and feel this bit of happiness. I still have a way to go.  It's a long journey I'm on.  

I'm starting over again with literally nothing!  No home, no possessions that amount to any kind of value.  I have very little money and a lot of debt.  I'm on my own and I'm happy.  

I have been given a gift.  I am FREE, I'm free to feel happiness and to become who I'm meant to be.  It's just me, Jake and God now.  

He is leading me every day to where He needs me to be.  He speaks to me when I need to hear him and He teaches me to trust him.   

When one has felt such suffering, there is nothing like having the weight of heartache lifted - then, one can truly appreciate happiness.  I know that to be true.  

     ~ TR

From Woman 2 Woman FB photos

I had to be reminded of this, today.  I felt worn down and depressed last night.  When the harsh reality of divorce rears it's ugly head it's not a pretty site.

I can say all kinds of things; ''I'm happier now, I am moving on, I have hope.''  But, that doesn't pay the bills, that doesn't repair my credit, that doesn't guarantee a beautiful future.  Sometimes, even though I don't want to, I have to look at the consequences of my choices and I have to wonder; 'what's next?'

I don't want to watch my life slowly disentegrate into poverty and settle for a life that I don't believe is what God wants for me.  

I do have hope.  I do have faith in God and believe he is in control.  I prayed last night for him to show me what I'm not seeing, what does he need from me, what can I be that I'm not giving myself a chance to be?  Is this it??

I got some reminders today when I read my Brave Girls posts that I have always had what I needed, even if it wasn't much...  I had what I needed and I will continue to have what I need.  God, answering my questions, letting me know he is still here, taking care of me and Jake.

I cannot have fear and faith.  I choose faith.  It may not look pretty, my life, right now.  But, I choose to believe good things are to come.  I will keep my eyes toward God and my feet moving forward a day at a time.  

~  TR

Pic found on Unconditional Love Facebook photos

I'm kinda feeling optimistic today about the future.  I have had so many doors open lately!!  I met up with my best friend Lisa M after 20 years and the magic is still there!  We have been talking quite a bit and she wants to be friends again and I'm excited because I was afraid she wouldn't like me now - ha ha!  
I should be beginning my bible study with my divorce care group!  I really enjoyed our meetings!  I have reconnected with a lot of friends on facebook that I hadn't heard from in years and that's nice!  
I have been to Belen twice and my Mom and sister have been out here, this next time will be twice!  It's just like doors and windows are opening up and I'm enjoying it!  
I'm feeling more social, less stressed.  I feel a bit stressed about money!  But, it will work out - God will help me get through it!  If things keep going the way they are I really do see great things ahead.  
God has opened my heart and my mind and that has allowed me to be open to new people in my life.
I'm just happy that my mind is opening and I'm feeling this new energy about things.  I wouldn't have thought I would feel this way just a few months ago, I was so lost in the stress and loss of my life.  But, lately I feel much more free to join in on life again.  I'm sure I will open up even more, I'm a little scared about that but it's ok, I will just take it slow.  :)


~ TR

Unconditional Love wall photos Facebook.

That's me....  Standing alone, absorbed in the beauty of the sunset and the tranquil movement of the tide; at the same time, surrounded by such potential for chaos.  The ocean is one, if not the most, powerful and destructive forces on the planet.  Yet, it also embodies such a calming serenity.


There I stand looking out over the sea, alone...  Wondering what is next...  I'm enjoying the peace and the beauty of the moment and yet hoping the tide doesn't suddenly rise and sweep me away in the dangerous undertow.  




~ TR

Lazy Sunday

I absolutely love this picture.  It reminds me of Cooper a little bit...  Anyway, it is something that made me laugh on this lazy Sunday morning.


It's over 100 degrees this weekend.  Jake and I are enjoying a lazy weekend before next weekend when he has a camping trip and then the following weekend when Grandma Frances and Lisa come out to visit...


I thought about going to the pool but, after seeing a handsome body builder at Sprouts amongst a whole bunch of pasty, flabby people I decided I definitely needed to exercise.  During that, I strained my back so I'm semi-laid up this afternoon.


Jake is playing games with his friends today...  I sure wished he had a sport he enjoyed...  Urg!  I'm going to look into boxing for him as well as the YMCA.


I'm really surprised no one even 'liked' this pic. on Facebook - lol.  I get all hurt when no one likes my posts.  Come-Onnn people how can you not 'like' this picture!!??  Get with the game!


Well, so much for my scattered ramblings for this lazy, hot Sunday!


~  TR

photo from Negativity No More, wall photos Facebook

I'm still working on it...  Some days I feel like I am getting no where and I'm lazy and stuck and not doing much good in my life at all.  I know I have a way to go before I feel really good about myself.  I feel like maybe its a good thing that I'm feeling the need to do more, the need to challenge myself and the need to be a servant of God, helping others.  

My new home has been, what I referred to as my rehabilitation center.  I have always looked at it that way.  This is a place God himself sent me.  He hand picked everything about it, the complex, my apartment - everything.  God knows me so well and he knows I'm so very sensitive to my environment.  At the time I decided to move I was in no position to make a very wise decision on the actual apartment itself.  There were 2 I liked that were available and I couldn't decide which one to go with.  I left for a couple of hours when I returned one of them had been taken.  The decision was made for me.  

I can say with 100% confidence that was by Holy design.  This is the perfect location, the perfect size, its upstairs and safe, overlooking the central park in the complex and I feel so SAFE here in many - many ways!!    He put me here to heal, to rediscover myself and to find my path.  I think about that everyday. God placed me here and I'm healing.  The layers of pain, confusion and sadness are melting away.  Tracey is peeking through checking things out.  Slowly, but surely, she is coming out for short periods at a time; then, something frightens her and she scuttles back to her hiding place only to reappear in the next day or two to try again.  

I know I will get there, I'm seeing so many positive changes and I'm seeing so much change in myself.  I'm so much more relaxed and happy.  I'm beginning to enjoy things again and people.  I'm not sure if I'm getting in my own way somewhat at this point, it's hard to say...  It's still a process so, I try to not be too hard on myself but I am feeling the push to do a bit more; so, that must be a sign I'm ready to take a few more steps forward...  

Thank you God for your steadfast protection over me and Jake; for taking care of us so completely.  I couldn't have asked for anything more!!  Show me, light the way for me to go forward according to your plan!!  

Love!!  TR

Love!!

Photo from Unconditional Love wall photos - Facebook

 I just love this pic :) 


~ TR

Somthing to smile about!!

Photo from Unconditional Love wall photos - facebook.

I felt like I had to post something HAPPY after my last entry.  It was a bit of a 'Debbie downer.'  I don't want to remove the post because it is important but I wanted something to smile about :)


I love this picture!!  


There is always something to make us smile if we choose to see it!!  


~  TR

Inspiriations...

Pic from Unconditional Love Wall Photos, Facebook

I have felt SO uninspired lately.  


I wish I could figure out what could create some pep in my step.  I feel like I'm in a lull as far as knowing what to do with my life.  Although the last two years have been quite stressful and draining.  I have gone through a major shift in my life and I have been adjusting.  I guess a lull is well deserved...  Maybe, I just need to sit still and just 'be' for now.  It's ok if, once in awhile, there is just a steady flow to our routine; it can give us time to catch our equilibrium and find our focus.    


What may be the best thing for me right now is to re-establish my performance levels in all areas of my life.  Certainly my job has suffered, my body has been neglected, and my focus has been completely thrown off.   It could be Gods way of telling me, this is the time to re-discover yourself, this is the Phoenix rising from the ashes (so to speak).  Not only to re-discover but possibly re-invent myself.  From a stressed out, miserable person to a confident, transformed woman entering the 2nd half of her life in the best shape ever physically and mentally!  


HA!  I think I just had an 'Aha moment!!'  


More to come...  


~TR

Bloom Where You are Planted

Photograph by Lisa Epp - Etsy

No matter our circumstances, we have a choice to blossom, to shine, to stand out like a bold, colorful, fearless flower that blooms among the weeds in the desert.  :)


Be strong - choose your life!!

~  TR

Answers

From Unconditional Love Facebook Wall photos

The answers come to us in whispers; as quiet as the rustling of leaves on a tree.  It's a slight shift in the wind.  
The answers are right there, all around us, inside of us...  We just need to believe in them.  

~  TR

Mr Grey??

Pic off 'Chris Hemsworth pics' - Google

Chris Hemsworth...  


Possible Mr Grey for the movie.  
I think I can live with that!!

Oh My...

Pic from 'Unconditional Love' Wall photos, Facebook

There was a time I thought I would NEVER want another man in my life.  EVER.  Lately - I'm craving love? Intimacy? Romance?  Partnership?  I don't know which one specifically.  Maybe it's just the fantasy of some 'night in shining armor' coming to sweep me off my feet.  


I know I don't want what I've had in the past.  I know I don't want what I see most of my friends have in their 'partners.'  Maybe I'm just fantasizing about being carried away by a man who will take care of me.  That man is very rare and probably not someone I will ever come across.  


I don't know what has caused this change of heart, I really don't.  I have been through so much heartache in the past 10 years.  I have been kicked around, lied to, played with, pushed to the side and dumped on.  I don't know why I would ever want to open my heart up again to another 'man.'  It seems so sensless to me.  But, there is a deep part of me that is sexual and is loving and wants to feel loved and intimate with another person.  There is another part of me that wants no part of that complication in my life.  


I love hard and when I fall in love I go a little crazy.  I have even written a letter to myself should go into 'crazy love' mode to help keep me somewhat lucid.  


Is there a man out there that can handle me?  I really don't know.  I'm a handful.  On the other hand, I'm worth it.  This man must handle headstrong, independant, moody, quick tempered Tracey to get Loving, sexy, affectionate, giving, loyal, sweet Tracey...  


Believe me, sexy Tracey (in and of herself), is worth the work!!


Good luck boys!  ;-)

Unknown of which site this quote came from.


Today was tough.  
Today was another step in a long arduous journey
Today was another validation that what I did was necessary.
Making a decision that is as heartbreaking as it is transformative is not fun, easy or quick.  
There is no choice but to keep moving forward and try to not look back.
Keep faith and believe in a better tomorrow. 
  

~  TR

Mr Grey...

I think I have found - well, 1st 'Mr Grey' at least in my mind.  I mean I literally gasped when I saw this picture, my jaw dropped and I said; Oh, THAT is Grey!! Oh my...  


Luckily, no one reads my blogs b/c I totally stole this picture...   

~  TR

''That which is Necessary is Never Unwise.'' 

~  Star Trek Movie 2009



Three years ago I clung to this quote from the movie Star Trek.  I was at a point in my life where I had to make, literally, a life changing decision.  This decision would tear my family apart and send me off into a direction in which I had no way of knowing where myself or my son would end up; but, if I knew anything at all, I knew it was necessary.  


I heard this again today when I watched Star Trek and it took me back to a day in which fear of the unknown almost stopped me from moving forward.  


Two years later, I'm happier, more relaxed and settling into my new future.  It's not been perfect and there are challenges every day but, my every day is also more free and peaceful than it has been in years.  I'm just beginning to see how positively my attitude and outlook on life have  improved.  I'm so much more relaxed and at peace.  


I love being in my OWN place, one I can now call my sanctuary and one I look forward to coming home to every day.    

We are what we believe

It is comforting to know the incredible power we have over our own lives.


At times it's easier to tell ourselves we are completely out of control, nothing goes our way, the universe must hate us but, that's a lie.  


It's true that life, is not perfect, fair and many times it's drudgery.  We will be hurt, we will be challenged, we will fail.  However, we have the power to overcome.  The greatest gift we were given by God is the will to survive!


The truth is we become what we believe about ourselves.


If we take the time to visualize the life we want, faithful practice will lead to belief.  Belief will lead to action.  Action creates the future we visualized.

~ TR

We heal an inch at a time....

www.dessecret.com wall photos

~  TR

Keep Climbing!

Whenever you think you've reached the top of the mountain there is always another mountain ready for you to climb... 

~ Bon Jovi 

Picture from Negativity No More wall photos

Taken from 'Negativity No More' Wall photos, Facebook

New Relationships?

Pic from 'Unconditional Love' Wall photos.

I've been attending a Support group for the last several months.  I have enjoyed the lessons and I have learned a lot.  However, it has bothered me that there is a certain judgmental tone regarding single men of a certain age;   Some of the comments:

''There is a reason why they are still single.'' 

                                    &

''Men are operating out of fear, at this age, because they don't like to be alone - they are looking for a nurse or a purse.''

The implication - men, my age or older, cannot be trusted.  There must be something wrong with them if they are single. 


I don't think its fair to make generalized statements like that.  Sure SOME men are childish and some men are dysfunctional but, that's true for any age.   The whole tone of the discussion makes me a little sad.  Is that because I believe it's just a tiny bit true??


It is hard for one to allow vulerability again after a marriage ends - specifically for women!  But, I do trust God and I can't live my life afraid that all men my age are needy, dysfunctional losers.  


Honestly, what saddens me the most is the realization that couples my age, who are still married, are essentially two people that have grown up together.  They were in their 20's when they got married and they built their adult life together.  They bought their first home together, had their kids together, planned, moved, an navigated their way through early adulthood - together.  There is a certain 'sweetness' to that.  I will never capture that again in a new relationship.  If God does bring me someone it will be combining two 'mature' lives.  I'm not sure how the dynamics of that works but it's certainly lacks that 'charm' of a couple who married young and built their lives together.  


That said, I don't believe I'm meant to be alone for the rest of my life.  My heart, my gut, is telling me there is someone out there waiting and he will present himself when its time.   I will be vigilant and take steps to insure I'm with the right person but, at some point, every relationship takes a leap of faith.  


~ TR

Choose to make this day one you are PROUD OF!

Brave Girls!!

I'm getting sooo many 'hints' lately that I need to move forward in my life.  UGH!  Brave Girls Club has had like 3-4 postings, in the last few days, about being 'brave' and making the 'tough decisions.' My sister sends me the quote on my last post about 'being brave' and making the 'tough decisions.'  


Ok -- I have been putting some things off that I KNOW I need to do: File for divorce, begin working out, and making my life more purposeful.


WHY - have I been putting these things off???  Because, it takes ENERGY to do all of them!!  I noted in another post that - I did my thing! I moved out, I normalized my life here, with Jake, I want to be done now! :(


It took so much out of me to do that and I JUST started feeling 'normal' again (sorta)...  I don't want to stir the pot yet...  I guess I have to...  I can't keep skating by without finishing what I started and moving on.  *Head down, hands in my pockets, foot kicking dirt and innocuous pebbles around on the ground.* 


OK, I can do this!!  I can, I can!  1 step at a time - I CAN DO THIS!!


Be BRAVE - girl!!

Make a Move!

I've been struggling with some tough choices lately and I haven't made a move.   Some of it's laziness and some of it is fear about the consequences.  


My sister sent me this 'subtle' hint on Facebook today.  


-- TR

12 years and counting...

I'm not feeling in a totally alert or focused state of mind, it's late and I'm tired, but I wanted to write a little bit about tonight...  It may not be my best writing :P.


My son and his friends are here tonight celebrating his 12th Birthday.  Chandler, Derek and Alex are his three best friends.  All of them huddled together in the living room playing Call of Duty.  


My little apartment is not used to such activity and boys running around.  I love it.  My only regret is that I have to ask them to quiet down because we might disturb the neighbors.  I wished I could just let them get crazy and live it up.  They are good kids though and don't need to be reminded too much really.    


Its nice to see Jake with his friends.  I feel guilty quite a bit that he is an only child.  He doesn't have the benifit of a brother or sister to distract him when he is bored at home.  Its just his 'boring' Mom.  I try to be fun and not be a Debbi Downer but, obviously, I can't be 12 year old boy!!


It's hard to believe where 12 years has gone.  It seems like just yesterday I was kissing his little baby feet while he swung on his baby swing.  But, whether I like it or not, he is growing up.  It's an honor to watch him grow.  My prayers go out to his happiness and that he finds meaning in his life.  He is such a good, sweet, talented kid.  I know God has plans for him.  I can only pray he finds his path.    


I just love him so much, more than words can express.

-- TR

Adele Empowerment...

pics shared from, 'Negativity
No More Love and Light Only.

There is nothing like the powerful words of Adele.  She speaks from experience, raw emotion and strength.  These are some of the lyrics that have connected to me in the past couple of years - through my pain, the loss of my marriage and everything I was.  Although the struggle, for me, is worth it there is nothing like a divorce to cut you to the core of everything you are.  It is a slow, painful process that leave very deep scars that will never fully heal.  The only thing that is left is to move on with Gods love and spirit to guide you.  

Under haunted skies I see you

Where love is lost your ghost is found

I've braved a hundred storms to leave you

As hard as you try, no, I will not be knocked down

Next time I'll be braver

I'll be my own savior 

Standing on my own two feet...

There's a fire starting in my heart

Reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark

Finally, I can see you crystal clear

Go ahead and sell me out and I'll let your shit bare

See how I leave with every piece of you

Don't underestimate the things that I will do.

I set fire to the rain

And I threw us into the flames

Where I felt something die

Cause I knew that this would be the last time

the last time....  

I can't keep up with your turning tables

Under your thumb I can't breath

So, I won't let you close enough to hurt me
I can't give you what you think you give me
It's time to say goodbye to turning tables...

Nothing compares, no worries or cares

Regrets and mistakes their memories made

Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste...

 -- TR