Safety

For some reason today I find myself running to the safety of my apartment.  I went in to work but found myself a bit melancholy.  I'm not sure if it has to do with the uncertainty of what's going on with the ex lately or just that Jake is not home with me.  I keep telling myself he is fine, he is with the girls and Julie too but, I always feel a bit on edge when he is with the ex.  Wierd that I trust his GF more than I trust him.  
It could also be the empending reality that I'm going to have to deal with the house and the divorce and I don't want to.  So, I think, when I begin feeling vulerable I want to run to the place I feel safest and put on my shows and cling to comfort.  


I tend to be a creature of routine also and when things like spring break pop up or summer break I tend to become a bit on edge. The routine has shifted and I can be a bit confused on what to do with myself and what to expect.  So, again, I will cling to the things that bring me the most comfort in an attempt to convince myself everything is still ok.  


I dont know when all this began but I know why.  Living with the ex was always unpredictable so routine and predictability became safety for me.  When I know my show will be on, when I know what time everyone is home and what to expect for the night I feel good.  But, when things are off, just a little bit, I tend to be very sensitive to the change and I become moody, sad and anxious.  I'm not sure how to deal with this issue.  I don't like feeling this way.  My comfort routines only go so far...  The undercurrent of anxiety is still present.   Prayer is the only answer I can come up with.  


TR