We are what we believe

It is comforting to know the incredible power we have over our own lives.


At times it's easier to tell ourselves we are completely out of control, nothing goes our way, the universe must hate us but, that's a lie.  


It's true that life, is not perfect, fair and many times it's drudgery.  We will be hurt, we will be challenged, we will fail.  However, we have the power to overcome.  The greatest gift we were given by God is the will to survive!


The truth is we become what we believe about ourselves.


If we take the time to visualize the life we want, faithful practice will lead to belief.  Belief will lead to action.  Action creates the future we visualized.

~ TR

We heal an inch at a time....

www.dessecret.com wall photos

~  TR

Keep Climbing!

Whenever you think you've reached the top of the mountain there is always another mountain ready for you to climb... 

~ Bon Jovi 

Picture from Negativity No More wall photos

Taken from 'Negativity No More' Wall photos, Facebook

New Relationships?

Pic from 'Unconditional Love' Wall photos.

I've been attending a Support group for the last several months.  I have enjoyed the lessons and I have learned a lot.  However, it has bothered me that there is a certain judgmental tone regarding single men of a certain age;   Some of the comments:

''There is a reason why they are still single.'' 

                                    &

''Men are operating out of fear, at this age, because they don't like to be alone - they are looking for a nurse or a purse.''

The implication - men, my age or older, cannot be trusted.  There must be something wrong with them if they are single. 


I don't think its fair to make generalized statements like that.  Sure SOME men are childish and some men are dysfunctional but, that's true for any age.   The whole tone of the discussion makes me a little sad.  Is that because I believe it's just a tiny bit true??


It is hard for one to allow vulerability again after a marriage ends - specifically for women!  But, I do trust God and I can't live my life afraid that all men my age are needy, dysfunctional losers.  


Honestly, what saddens me the most is the realization that couples my age, who are still married, are essentially two people that have grown up together.  They were in their 20's when they got married and they built their adult life together.  They bought their first home together, had their kids together, planned, moved, an navigated their way through early adulthood - together.  There is a certain 'sweetness' to that.  I will never capture that again in a new relationship.  If God does bring me someone it will be combining two 'mature' lives.  I'm not sure how the dynamics of that works but it's certainly lacks that 'charm' of a couple who married young and built their lives together.  


That said, I don't believe I'm meant to be alone for the rest of my life.  My heart, my gut, is telling me there is someone out there waiting and he will present himself when its time.   I will be vigilant and take steps to insure I'm with the right person but, at some point, every relationship takes a leap of faith.  


~ TR

Choose to make this day one you are PROUD OF!

Brave Girls!!

I'm getting sooo many 'hints' lately that I need to move forward in my life.  UGH!  Brave Girls Club has had like 3-4 postings, in the last few days, about being 'brave' and making the 'tough decisions.' My sister sends me the quote on my last post about 'being brave' and making the 'tough decisions.'  


Ok -- I have been putting some things off that I KNOW I need to do: File for divorce, begin working out, and making my life more purposeful.


WHY - have I been putting these things off???  Because, it takes ENERGY to do all of them!!  I noted in another post that - I did my thing! I moved out, I normalized my life here, with Jake, I want to be done now! :(


It took so much out of me to do that and I JUST started feeling 'normal' again (sorta)...  I don't want to stir the pot yet...  I guess I have to...  I can't keep skating by without finishing what I started and moving on.  *Head down, hands in my pockets, foot kicking dirt and innocuous pebbles around on the ground.* 


OK, I can do this!!  I can, I can!  1 step at a time - I CAN DO THIS!!


Be BRAVE - girl!!

Make a Move!

I've been struggling with some tough choices lately and I haven't made a move.   Some of it's laziness and some of it is fear about the consequences.  


My sister sent me this 'subtle' hint on Facebook today.  


-- TR

12 years and counting...

I'm not feeling in a totally alert or focused state of mind, it's late and I'm tired, but I wanted to write a little bit about tonight...  It may not be my best writing :P.


My son and his friends are here tonight celebrating his 12th Birthday.  Chandler, Derek and Alex are his three best friends.  All of them huddled together in the living room playing Call of Duty.  


My little apartment is not used to such activity and boys running around.  I love it.  My only regret is that I have to ask them to quiet down because we might disturb the neighbors.  I wished I could just let them get crazy and live it up.  They are good kids though and don't need to be reminded too much really.    


Its nice to see Jake with his friends.  I feel guilty quite a bit that he is an only child.  He doesn't have the benifit of a brother or sister to distract him when he is bored at home.  Its just his 'boring' Mom.  I try to be fun and not be a Debbi Downer but, obviously, I can't be 12 year old boy!!


It's hard to believe where 12 years has gone.  It seems like just yesterday I was kissing his little baby feet while he swung on his baby swing.  But, whether I like it or not, he is growing up.  It's an honor to watch him grow.  My prayers go out to his happiness and that he finds meaning in his life.  He is such a good, sweet, talented kid.  I know God has plans for him.  I can only pray he finds his path.    


I just love him so much, more than words can express.

-- TR

Adele Empowerment...

pics shared from, 'Negativity
No More Love and Light Only.

There is nothing like the powerful words of Adele.  She speaks from experience, raw emotion and strength.  These are some of the lyrics that have connected to me in the past couple of years - through my pain, the loss of my marriage and everything I was.  Although the struggle, for me, is worth it there is nothing like a divorce to cut you to the core of everything you are.  It is a slow, painful process that leave very deep scars that will never fully heal.  The only thing that is left is to move on with Gods love and spirit to guide you.  

Under haunted skies I see you

Where love is lost your ghost is found

I've braved a hundred storms to leave you

As hard as you try, no, I will not be knocked down

Next time I'll be braver

I'll be my own savior 

Standing on my own two feet...

There's a fire starting in my heart

Reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark

Finally, I can see you crystal clear

Go ahead and sell me out and I'll let your shit bare

See how I leave with every piece of you

Don't underestimate the things that I will do.

I set fire to the rain

And I threw us into the flames

Where I felt something die

Cause I knew that this would be the last time

the last time....  

I can't keep up with your turning tables

Under your thumb I can't breath

So, I won't let you close enough to hurt me
I can't give you what you think you give me
It's time to say goodbye to turning tables...

Nothing compares, no worries or cares

Regrets and mistakes their memories made

Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste...

 -- TR

How I know...

My son is not overly communicative about his feelings.  So, if I say to him; ''I love you'' he will parrot it back without much feeling attached.  He is not super affectionate so hugs are sorta rare and he has never liked to kiss - EVER, even on the cheek.   Jake is a classic boy.  


Now that he is in his 'tween years' it's even harder to tell he loves me.  He used to at least really want for me to sit with him in his room before bed or lay with him at bedtime.  He would say; "will you lay with me?"  He would hate to let me go, he would hug me so tight I couldn't get free.  So, as he seperates himself from the attachment to me, I do crave the loving signs from my son.  


Today, around 3pm, he text me two pictures while he was out with the girls at the mall.  A picture of a cute dog that noted ''awww,'' and a picture of a funny shirt.  He wanted to share some of his fun with me.  He thought of me and took the time to share something, with his Mom, even when he was out with his friends!  


Thats how I know!  

Safety

For some reason today I find myself running to the safety of my apartment.  I went in to work but found myself a bit melancholy.  I'm not sure if it has to do with the uncertainty of what's going on with the ex lately or just that Jake is not home with me.  I keep telling myself he is fine, he is with the girls and Julie too but, I always feel a bit on edge when he is with the ex.  Wierd that I trust his GF more than I trust him.  
It could also be the empending reality that I'm going to have to deal with the house and the divorce and I don't want to.  So, I think, when I begin feeling vulerable I want to run to the place I feel safest and put on my shows and cling to comfort.  


I tend to be a creature of routine also and when things like spring break pop up or summer break I tend to become a bit on edge. The routine has shifted and I can be a bit confused on what to do with myself and what to expect.  So, again, I will cling to the things that bring me the most comfort in an attempt to convince myself everything is still ok.  


I dont know when all this began but I know why.  Living with the ex was always unpredictable so routine and predictability became safety for me.  When I know my show will be on, when I know what time everyone is home and what to expect for the night I feel good.  But, when things are off, just a little bit, I tend to be very sensitive to the change and I become moody, sad and anxious.  I'm not sure how to deal with this issue.  I don't like feeling this way.  My comfort routines only go so far...  The undercurrent of anxiety is still present.   Prayer is the only answer I can come up with.  


TR

Never Again...

Picture shared from Facebook wall photos
'Negativity no More. Love and Light Only'

"You will NEVER AGAIN have to be in a relationship where you are playing a part rather than being a fully loving and fully loved participant."  

                                         ....'Your Ex Factor'

My Love....

Cooper
My baby girl passed 2-2012
There will never be another like her
Rest in Peace babe
I will see you again - xoxo

A thought a Day

Sunday 3/11/12

The movie Chronicle with my son.  An escape Guinea pig named Peanut Butter.  Plenty of Big Bang Theory.  


My son has just turned 12 years old, he told me today he couldn't be seen out with me; "it's imbarassing," this is why we saw the movie Chronicle.  A darkened theater with a soda seems to be ok with the tween. 


I was also informed recently, by the tween, that he no longer needs me to go into his room at night to tell him goodnight.  He said; ''if you don't want to - you don't have to.''  So, I said ''ok, you're getting too old for that, it's ok.''  And, he says; ''OK!  Goodnight!'' and ran off to bed.  Heart broken mom stood hovering in his doorway asking; ''Is it ok if I say goodnight from here?''

My ex took him for the night to his ex-girlfriends and his new house??  Who knows what's going on there.  Jake loves her girls though and enjoys spending time with them and that's what they were doing, even though the ex and his girlfriend are now 'ex's.'  


It's complicated.  


I always think I will like a break from the tween but then I get lonely and miss his 'tweeniness'.  That's why I have the pigs but they are not like dogs in that sense.  They are company though and that is important to me.  Plus, I had to catch one of them that escaped tonight, so - some drama there.  He took to hiding under my bed (his favorite spot when he runs away).  Don't know how I caught him by myself.  Dumb luck I guess!  :)


I find certain TV shows company too.  Right now "Big Bang Theory" is kinda like my comfort food.  I tape every episode and watch them over and over; whenever I just want noise, or I'm lonely, or sad, or working on my computer.  It's a strange attachment to the characters as though they are my own friends.  It's just comforting to hear their voices and they make me smile. 


I've been meaning to start a blog but not sure what I want it to be about this time.  Maybe just a journal of my days so I don't forget the important, fun, heartbreaking, and touching details of my new life and Jake's life while I still have him with me.  


I would also like to document inspirational items that catch my attention and blessings God sends my way.  


Until next time --

TR xoxo