How I know...

My son is not overly communicative about his feelings.  So, if I say to him; ''I love you'' he will parrot it back without much feeling attached.  He is not super affectionate so hugs are sorta rare and he has never liked to kiss - EVER, even on the cheek.   Jake is a classic boy.  


Now that he is in his 'tween years' it's even harder to tell he loves me.  He used to at least really want for me to sit with him in his room before bed or lay with him at bedtime.  He would say; "will you lay with me?"  He would hate to let me go, he would hug me so tight I couldn't get free.  So, as he seperates himself from the attachment to me, I do crave the loving signs from my son.  


Today, around 3pm, he text me two pictures while he was out with the girls at the mall.  A picture of a cute dog that noted ''awww,'' and a picture of a funny shirt.  He wanted to share some of his fun with me.  He thought of me and took the time to share something, with his Mom, even when he was out with his friends!  


Thats how I know!  

Safety

For some reason today I find myself running to the safety of my apartment.  I went in to work but found myself a bit melancholy.  I'm not sure if it has to do with the uncertainty of what's going on with the ex lately or just that Jake is not home with me.  I keep telling myself he is fine, he is with the girls and Julie too but, I always feel a bit on edge when he is with the ex.  Wierd that I trust his GF more than I trust him.  
It could also be the empending reality that I'm going to have to deal with the house and the divorce and I don't want to.  So, I think, when I begin feeling vulerable I want to run to the place I feel safest and put on my shows and cling to comfort.  


I tend to be a creature of routine also and when things like spring break pop up or summer break I tend to become a bit on edge. The routine has shifted and I can be a bit confused on what to do with myself and what to expect.  So, again, I will cling to the things that bring me the most comfort in an attempt to convince myself everything is still ok.  


I dont know when all this began but I know why.  Living with the ex was always unpredictable so routine and predictability became safety for me.  When I know my show will be on, when I know what time everyone is home and what to expect for the night I feel good.  But, when things are off, just a little bit, I tend to be very sensitive to the change and I become moody, sad and anxious.  I'm not sure how to deal with this issue.  I don't like feeling this way.  My comfort routines only go so far...  The undercurrent of anxiety is still present.   Prayer is the only answer I can come up with.  


TR

Never Again...

Picture shared from Facebook wall photos
'Negativity no More. Love and Light Only'

"You will NEVER AGAIN have to be in a relationship where you are playing a part rather than being a fully loving and fully loved participant."  

                                         ....'Your Ex Factor'

My Love....

Cooper
My baby girl passed 2-2012
There will never be another like her
Rest in Peace babe
I will see you again - xoxo

A thought a Day

Sunday 3/11/12

The movie Chronicle with my son.  An escape Guinea pig named Peanut Butter.  Plenty of Big Bang Theory.  


My son has just turned 12 years old, he told me today he couldn't be seen out with me; "it's imbarassing," this is why we saw the movie Chronicle.  A darkened theater with a soda seems to be ok with the tween. 


I was also informed recently, by the tween, that he no longer needs me to go into his room at night to tell him goodnight.  He said; ''if you don't want to - you don't have to.''  So, I said ''ok, you're getting too old for that, it's ok.''  And, he says; ''OK!  Goodnight!'' and ran off to bed.  Heart broken mom stood hovering in his doorway asking; ''Is it ok if I say goodnight from here?''

My ex took him for the night to his ex-girlfriends and his new house??  Who knows what's going on there.  Jake loves her girls though and enjoys spending time with them and that's what they were doing, even though the ex and his girlfriend are now 'ex's.'  


It's complicated.  


I always think I will like a break from the tween but then I get lonely and miss his 'tweeniness'.  That's why I have the pigs but they are not like dogs in that sense.  They are company though and that is important to me.  Plus, I had to catch one of them that escaped tonight, so - some drama there.  He took to hiding under my bed (his favorite spot when he runs away).  Don't know how I caught him by myself.  Dumb luck I guess!  :)


I find certain TV shows company too.  Right now "Big Bang Theory" is kinda like my comfort food.  I tape every episode and watch them over and over; whenever I just want noise, or I'm lonely, or sad, or working on my computer.  It's a strange attachment to the characters as though they are my own friends.  It's just comforting to hear their voices and they make me smile. 


I've been meaning to start a blog but not sure what I want it to be about this time.  Maybe just a journal of my days so I don't forget the important, fun, heartbreaking, and touching details of my new life and Jake's life while I still have him with me.  


I would also like to document inspirational items that catch my attention and blessings God sends my way.  


Until next time --

TR xoxo